A personal outburst of emotions…..

I am going to do some thing I have been consciously avoided for nearly a year. I have always tried to be a neutral person looking into issues and present things in a historical way. I have very consciously been avoiding this blog to be an outlet of my personal emotion. But a thought, rather a series of thought  has made me write this blog,an outburst of personal emotion.

I don’t know where to start with. I have been enlightened,  this thought has made me shiver over two days that the burden of the thought has made me write this blog. I dont know how the thought started.  But two main thought provoking inspirations were the movie Naan Kadavul and poems of Patinathar.

Naan Kadvul movie has character Murugan, a man who manages a set of slave/beggars. He lives on their begging money. Good in his heart but his life depends on earnings of tortured poor souls(handicapped beggars). But his guilt doesn’t leave him so freely. He lives his life with a guilt of exploiting poor souls. When ever the guilt goes beyond bearing he cries and gets food for the poor souls. But again the next morning he becomes the cruel soul which depends on the less privileged people for the food. I just feel this character to be the representation of all human souls. Every person is selfish in a personal way or in a bigger prospective. We live life to earn , save and run a family. We see so many cruel deeds happen around us and prefer to ignore them. We don’t want to feel the pain so we choose to ignore and carry on our life. We accumulate guilt an unknown guilt which never makes us feel happy. This guilt is let out once in a while , some people drink and let the pain out. Some people read good literature and feel for the characters in the book and let out their inbuilt guilt. Some people watch movies cry for the characters. Every one has the unhappiness in us and we don’t the cause for this unhappiness. We commit sins, but feel that is necessary to run our life and move on. This guilt of sin accumulates on and on and on till we reach a point of remorse and the  need to unload these sins. Then we explore various ways to unload these sins but is it so easy? … never ..but we try….most people to pray to god….while some other try to help others…but some people successfully never feel this pain of guilt till the very last moment.

There is some thing essentially wrong in the way of life we live. Where is love for humanity?…. we grow up with poison in our mind. There are so many people around to inflict this poison. I am a Hindu, I am a Muslim, I am a Christian. I am a dravidian, I am a aryan. I am Tamilian  and so on. Some how we are never thought every one is human and we should love every other soul irrespective of what they are born as. To help a fellow person and show love to a fellow person is way to attain god. ‘Anbe Sivam’ …. What are we taught?  all we learn is to make money , make life easier, have a family. Have any parents taught the child the idea of showing love, respect to fellow being and help the under privileged? The first thing parents advise is make money , have a settled life and stay out of trouble. Where has the valuable lesson of helping others who are in need, gone?

We are slowly and steadily killing the soul inside us. We see a appeal for donation to  a child who is near death condition , we feel really bad but move on. We see so many things which we can be involved or give a helping hand. But we do the easiest thing and the worst thing to do, just feel and move on. If we don’t feel also it is acceptable, but we feel the agony of the victim but still choose to move away because we have other SELF helping things to do. But this guilt wont leave us alone. They chase us in an unknown way, they give a uneasy feeling and emptiness in our soul. By the time we realise it is too late.

When I first started reading Patinathar poems, I liked it because of the sole reason it gave me a bewilderment. His language which curses life and women. I didn’t realise the depth of the poems till yesterday. Once I realized the true meaning of his poems, it sent shock waves through my body.  The meaning I understood is totally a personal perspective. The first question is to understand who or what is god. I prefer to take Thirumular’s version of God – ‘Anbe Sivam’- love is god. Now revisit the same poem I used in my blog yesterday,

என் பெற்றதாயரு மென்னைப் பிணமென்றி கழ்ந்துவிட்டார்
பொன் பெற்ற மாதரும் போவென்று சொல்லிப் புலம்பிவிட்டார்
கொன் பெற்றமைந் தரும்பின் வலம் வந்து குடமுடைத்தா
றான் பற்றொழிய வொரு பற்று மில்லை யுடையவனே.

The mother who bore me despised me saying, ‘A corpse’

The women who bore my golden tali ,said,’Go!’ and then cried.

My grown up children went around my body and broke the pot.

O Lord, apart from your embrace there is no love!

Poet : Patinathar

Translated by Kamil V Zvelebil

Now feel each line of this poem. Parents, wife, kids – people whom you have dedicated your whole life , you have spent each drop of your sweat and blood for them, you have ignored and sacrificed everything that you could have done and  lived the life for these people. But when you die your not a happy soul.  You have not thought about god- the love for fellow humans all through your life. You have never been compassionate or even had sympathy for underprivileged or other people who needed help. All you thought about was about yourself and your family. When you die , your family feels bad for you , but like how you lived your life, they move on and  continue to live for themselves and rest of the family. The poet Patinathar feels very badly for living such useless and this  guilt has over powered his senses and he feels if he had still continued to live the life he had lived he would end as the corpse as mentioned int he poem. His guilt has left him empty in his soul.  This pain can be felt in all of his peoms,

நாறுமுடலை, நரிப்பொதி சோற்றினை, நான்தினமுஞ்
சோறுங் கறியும்நிரப்பிய பாண்டத்தைத் தோகையர்தம்
கூறும்மலமும் இரத்தமுஞ் சோருங் குழியில்விழாது
ஏறும் படியருள்வாய் இறைவா, கச்சியேகம்பனே.

O Ekampa of Kanchi,Lord,

arise and give me grace

not to fall into the pit

that spurts out

blood and filth!

Into the pith of women,

in their hollow trap,

women who invite

this leather bag stuffed

which I daily stuffed

with quantities of flesh and rice,

this putrid, stinking body-

a sack for jackals,

vile and full of vice.

Poet: Pattinathar

Translated by Kamil Zvelebil

When I first lead this poem, I thought he was a misogynist who  wrote a poem to show his hatred for women. But now I realise the deep meaning, man spends half of his life in lust, passion, desire for women. A life which could have been spent in so many useful ways was wasted in running behind women. When the guilt has taken over you realise a women is nothing but set of bones in a leather bag filed with flesh. It is the pain of a man who has wasted his life on unwanted things. Again the poem is outburst of the unbearable feeling of guilt and pain.

ஊற்றைச் சரீரத்தை யாபாசக் கொட்டிலை யூன்பொதிந்த
பீற்றற் து ருத்தியைச் சோறிடுந் தோற்பையைப் பேசரிய
காற்றிற் பொதிந்த நிலையற்ற பாண்டத்தைக் காதல் செய்தே
யேற்றித் திரிந்துவிட் டேனிறைவா, கச்சியேகம்பனே. 27

I loved this mortal vessel

stuffed with blabbering air,

this leather – bag for rice ,

this torn sack wrapped in flesh,

this stinking body,

cow-stable of lust,

and roamed about and begged,

o Ekampa of Kanci,

Lord!

Poet: Pattinathar

Translated by Kamil Zvelebil

This poem is the ultimate outburst of person, the self hatred. The pain of leading a meaningless, useless life is so unbearable that the poet feels he is an un worthy soul to be born in this world.

But this poem is the master piece to me,

எரியெனக்கென்னும்புழுவோவெனக்கென்னுமிந்தமண்ணுஞ்
சரியெனக்கென்னும்பருந்தோவெனக்கெனுந்தான்புசிக்க
நரியெனக்கென்னும்புன்னாயெனக்கென்னுமிந்நாறுடலைப்
பிரியமுடன்வளர்த்தேனிதனாலென்னபேறெனக்கே.

The fire says;It is mine.

But the worm,too,says: It’s mine.

And this earth says: Well, it’s mine.

But the kite says:It’s mine.

And the jackal says It’s mine

and wants to devour it.

And the mean dog says: It’s for me!

This stinking body I cherished with love.

And what was the use?

(pothu 26)

Poet: Patinathar

Translated by Kamil Zvelebil.

Eat healthy food, don’t eat in wrong time. Don’t put on weight , bath , do exercise….. that’s few of the so many things we Cherish to do keep our self healthy, good looking and fit. Every person loves his own self which his evident form the happiness he is having looking himself at the mirror. We spend so much of our life thinking about our self. But when you die the body you have cherished with love is going to get decayed or a food for some animal. What is the use in living a life in which you think only about your self and your family and money. Nothing is going to come with you.

Auvaiyar classifies people into two distinct caste. One who gives and other who doesn’t. Some where down the line we have the lost the idea of helping people who need help. We are so occupied thinking about our self. A deep lesson I have learnt on Valentine’s day – show some love to fellow human beings who need help.

Being a mortal soul, I might again get up Tomorrow morning and just feel bad for others and move on with my life. But at least I thought I would share this  important realisation I have had to my blog readers.

Spread some love. Help the needy.

After word:

Even in this pathetic mood of mine, I just have ironical thought. There are NGO’s sending mail all day to save Sea Turtles, animals, environment, their caste and religion. But I have never come across any NGO who wants to save lives of farmers who commit suicide – it is happening in our own land. There are reports of farmers eating rats and most of them committing suicides. Not even one NGO to my knowledge has shown any interest in these kind of issues. Probably human souls have become  more degraded than sea turtles and animals.